


Coward's Way Out

by unfortunatelynormal



Series: Alec's Dilemma (I'm Going to Die) [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec can't bear to be in an arranged marriage, Alec is very gay, Arranged Marriage, M/M, Planned Suicide, Sad Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unfortunatelynormal/pseuds/unfortunatelynormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec can't do it anymore. He can't get married to Lydia, and he can't see any other way out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coward's Way Out

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So as you know, this is based on the plot in the show where Alec is arranged to be married. A couple of notes: Alec is sad. He is very sad, and is making a plan to commit suicide. If this makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to leave. Also, my headcanon of bisexual!Simon appears in this fic, so don't be surprised. Thanks!

He looks at her and feels nothing.

  
Actually, that’s not strictly true.

  
No matter what other may say, he does have feelings like every other human being. But when he looks at _her_ , he differentiates between two emotions.

  
Sadness.

  
_Hate._

  
And he knows, logically, that it’s not her fault. She did not ask for this, no more than he did.

  
But he needs an outlet, something to fixate his feelings on. He won’t let that be his family.  
(He blames his mother, sure, and his father for always bending to her will, but then again, he’s always done that too. Has been her perfect soldier for _so long_. He agreed to do this, to spend the rest of his life hating himself and the person he lives with).

  
So, as much as he wishes, he cannot blame his family. He agreed to this. _He did._

  
(He’s done the research. Most Shadowhunters who are just fighters don’t live past 40 anyway. He knows that gay and lesbian youth are two to three times more likely to commit suicide than heterosexual youth. He _knows_ that 30% of all youth suicides are related to sexual identity. He may be at the end of that age range, but he can’t imagine living in the closet any longer than he already has).

  
He knows how to make it looked like an accident. Knows how to make it seem like he moved too slow, has researched demons obsessively to figure out which ones have the fastest acting poisons, so that his family won’t be able to save him.

  
He’s scared of dying, but he’s more afraid of living in his own personal hell for the rest of his life.

  
(Some things require tremendous sacrifice).

  
He thinks about what will happen after his death.

  
His plan is to die in battle, so his parents will be informed that he died a good death. Following his duty to the end.  
(His parents will have his ashes placed in the City, to protect and serve long after he is gone. (He does not want that)).

  
Max, his sweet little brother, will be heart broken. He will cry, and it may change him. (How do you explain death to one so young?)

  
Jace. His brother, his parabatai, his other half. He knows that Jace will feel his death. This is the one thing that makes him hesitate. He does not wish for Jace to shoulder that burden too.

  
(But in the end, Alec is selfish).

  
Isabelle will be angry. She will scream and cry, and he does not know if this city will survive her wrath.  
(Never underestimate a woman. Especially one who wears heels like knives and lipstick like poison. All women are dangerous, and to underestimate them is to sign your own death warrant).

  
Isabelle will know. It may take her weeks, but she will figure it out in the end, and she will rain fury on his parents, for what they may not know.

  
(He wonders if she will expose him, or if she will take his secret to the grave. Isabelle’s never been too good at keeping secrets, except for when she is.)

Clary Fairchild. Clary Fray. She will cry, he assumes, and she will be horrified. She might know as well. It depends. It will force her to see the reality of this world.  
(He’ll need to give her advice before he goes. He needs to tell her to get out. After all this with Valentine is over, she needs to run. Run as far and as fast as she can and never look back. Take that Mundie friend of hers and run).

  
And her Mundie, Simon. He’ll probably understand more than anyone else, surprisingly. Simon’s grown into his skin in his time with the Shadowhunters. (Alec suspects that Simon was Clary-Sexual before, and after seeing her with Jace, Simon learned a little bit about himself). The Mundie’ll be sad, but understanding.

  
Will anyone else even miss him?

  
_Magnus._ Oh, by the angel, Magnus. Alec has to talk to him. He has to tell Magnus what’s happening, that, _I’m sorry I really like you but I’m about to get married and I don’t think I’ll live much longer after that-_

  
He doesn’t want to. But he has to.

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember to click that heart button! It's right there, you know you want to!


End file.
